Undefeated Woman

Desange Kuenihira is the CEO and founder of unDEfeated, a non-profit organisation that provides education for underprivileged youth and supports single mothers in developing entrepreneurial skills so that they can start successful businesses to support their families.

Originally from Democratic Republic of Congo, at the age of two, Desange and her six siblings moved to a refugee camp in Uganda. In that camp, she had to fight for the life she wanted. She was told repeatedly that she was meaningless and that her only potential worth was the dowry a much older man who would pay to marry her as a pre-teen. Many of her friends were forced to marry strangers and have their children. Typically, the marriages wouldn’t last long, and soon the women returned to their parents with children, a ruined reputation, and no options for their futures.

Desange lived in Uganda for twelve years as a refugee before moving to the U.S. and becoming a U.S. citizen. Although she still faced many problems, she built her life in Utah and having people who believed in her potential meant she was able to determine her own future. She studied at the University of Utah and gained a Bachelor of Science in criminology and a Bachelor of Science in health, society, and policy, with a minor in entrepreneurship and pre- business.

Desange was one of the lucky ones and was given an opportunity to have a different future when she went to the United States but she always remembered the girls left behind. She founded unDEfeated for her friends and the countless young women in Uganda who don’t have someone valuing their worth. Her story of resilience and courage reflects the hardships faced by women in Uganda who often experience sexual abuse, poverty and child marriage and she hopes to break the cycle of poverty by creating opportunities for women to start and operate their own businesses.

Desange believes that education is the key to success and this is what will help Uganda move past being a poor country with an emerging economy and also close the significant educational disparity between men and women.

Find out more about Desange at Speakundefeated.org or her book Undefeated Woman is available at https://www.amazon.com/Undefeated-Woman-Desange-Kuenihira/dp/1956072063

    You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Redefinng midlife for women

Jacqueline or Jack Perez runs a digital platform dedicated to normalising ageing for women through highly curated content and women driven brands. Jack feels that ageism is the last ism left and it's the one we do mostly to ourselves.

Jack feels that it’s something that happens to a lot of women when we start to look in the mirror at a certain age and don't particularly like what is reflected back to us.  It could be a line, a wrinkle, a sag or an age spot but we start to feel ‘less than’ and to internalise bad self talk that we are not as valuable. In North America there is also a very user centric culture so it adds to the feeling of being devalued over time.

There is currently a big push in society around the science of longevity. This can be a challenge as we are often not very good at knowing how to live as we get older, primarily because we are very family centric. Kids grow up and leave home and you’re left with a relationship that's slightly festered over the years or on your own and wondering what do you do next. Both women and men in their 50’s are thinking that they could have 30 or 40 years of this, but 30 or 40 years of what?

In the UK we’ve seen what’s known as 3rd age phenomenon which is rethinking that.  There is a big zeitgeist of people who are excited by this stage in their lives, have been liberated from everything else, are old enough not to care sometimes but also to have the wherewithal to think ‘OK what could be next?’ They are looking for a source of information, a friendly face or place that relates to them where they and say ‘this is something that I could do or someone who I could be’.

At the moment we are in a unique position. The average lifespan of a white woman in the early 1900’s was 51. Although there were people who lived to their 80s or 90s this was not as a cohort or large sector of the population. Now is the first time that there is a very large number or a high concentration of people in this space. The Baby Boomers, the Gen X’s and now even the older Millenials are all entering this space and the exciting thing is that we get to define what that seed change looks like and the new paradigm. Women are hungry to look for the modeling of ‘what can my life look like in my 60s 70s and 80s?’ This is why Jack built the platform and brought together global thought leaders on the topics that are important to women in the extra years that they didn’t get 100 years ago.

The idea of having a community of liberated free thinkers seems to be quite exciting. Every day a new article gets pushed out about a relevant topic. It doesn’t shy away from the tough subjects but deals with them in an empowering, kind and productive manner. It’s not about shaming or scaring anyone rather its about providing valuable information that's actionable in the different areas. For example, if you’re looking in your closet as a 55 or 58 year old and asking ‘can I wear any of the stuff I used to wear when I was in my 30s or 40s?’ There are articles about fashion in mid life and beyond and article about skin care and makeup. The best place to start is the About page. Just scroll down so you can access articles from women around the world and find the topic that's relevant to you.

Jack found that when she was going through menopause herself she couldn't find any positive relevant information to help her so she started the platform because she didn't want other women to feel alone or scared. Loneliness and isolation are leading indicators of longevity – you will live longer if you have connections with other humans. Neither smoking, drinking nor being obese are not as dangerous to your health as being isolated and lonely.  They are also major causes of depression and also dementia. In a world where we are more connected we are increasingly isolated.

Jack earned her MBA from the University of Chicago and was then hired by Hewlett Packard in San Francisco where she worked for several years. She wasn't really corporate material though so in 1999 she left the corporate world and started a PR and marketing business with her then husband. It was the heyday of the late 90s with .com bubble and lots of venture capital money. It was a very buoyant environment but not at all sustainable in the longer term. Jack became a single mum late in life so started working in smaller companies in fractional executive roles that helped her spend more time with her child. She then went through the menopause and that's when she realised she needed to do something not for her but for everyone else!

There does seem to be a reappraisal of ones life at the time of menopause and there is science behind this. It's a time when women lose a lot of the hormones that make them maternal and want to take care of people. Post menopause many don't feel as maternal as they used to. Jack didn't realise just how tied she was to that feeling, need, drive or biological imperative. She had no idea how critical, crucial or all encompassing it was until it dissipated. Women can also become more vibrant at this time of life so if there is a mismatch in a relationship it can become more evident and, in the US, the highest number of divorces are issued by women aged 50 and above. There seems to be a lot of women who at 50 just say ‘I don't want to be married to you any more’ perhaps because the dream has changed or been fulfilled in a way.

The idea that we should be empowered to go out and start a new life is exciting. The problem and opportunity with a youth culture is that older people are often seen as wiser and are used as mentors. Younger people want to gain an edge and this often comes from people who have been there and done it before. Interestingly, the platform attracts younger people as well as the target market with half of the audience being under 45. Jack feels that this is because they are curious about what is coming so they are empowering themselves by learning.

You can find out more about Jack at www.kuellife.com or info@kuellife.com

    You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Beyond addiction. Science and kindness for positive change.

Jeff Foote is a clinical psychologist who has been involved with addiction treatments and programme development and research for over thirty years. He now runs treatment centres and a foundation for families of people struggling with substance issues. He has also written some books aimed at families to amplify the messages about evidence based approaches that families never hear about when they are helping their loved ones with their substance issues.

Jeff’s work has not always been based around families. For the first twenty-five years of his career he felt that he, along with many other clinicians, downplayed the role and involvement of families when it comes to mental health issues and peoples psychological struggles. During the first two thirds of his career he ignored families and focused on the person struggling with the addiction. Over the last ten years through, he has been working with organisations geared towards helping families.

Jeff had a pivotal experience talking with fifteen parents who he was just about to start training to coach other parents. Their kids had had terrible substance issues and they wanted to help other parents through evidence-based ideas rather than the things they had been told for years and years. That series of interviews changed his view and helped him realise the huge pain families go through, the levels of motivation they have to help and understand and the huge resource they are in helping to produce change.

Jeff has spent the last ten years shifting his focus and trying to make the tools and information more accessible to families so that they can see that they do this, both themselves and in the community, that they don’t need professionals and that they can take this up and be effective.

The US has been a blaming society when it comes to substance abuse. This is gradually changing but it is still there. One message has always been that you have to detach. If your loved one is struggling you need to step away and take care of yourself. The tough love idea that you have to let someone hit rock bottom before they will change. This has nothing to do with evidence or effectiveness and is an approach that is heartbreaking for families who come scared, concerned and asking for help.

The 12 Step Programme is often considered to be the only solution for addiction. Jeff feels that it has helped many people and many families over the last seventy years. The problem is that it's a ‘one size fits all’ process. If it doesn’t help you then there must be something wrong with you and it’s your fault. It's a programme that has been both helpful and harmful because of its demand characteristics rather than an invitational approach.

The approach Jeff has been working on over the last ten years is called the Invitation to Change‘ which is an invitational idea rather than a command one. Its basis is in community reinforcement and family training, an approach called CRAFT which is the most powerful evidence based approach for helping families help loved ones. Before that, it was a case of letting go/detaching or confrontational interventionist approaches. What we know from CRAFT and other psychological based approaches is that you can take care of yourself and stay connected to them and that this is actually the most powerful way to help someone to change.

Jeff’s process starts by having to have an understanding of what the person you are trying to help is going through, to ‘Open the door to change by viewing your loved ones substance abuse by viewing it through another lens’. By shifting your perspective and starting to understand that you can step into their shoes. People do things because they are reinforcing. They act and behave because there is something in it for them. Substances are very reinforcing and they are reinforcing in different ways for different people.

Family members need to sit back and understand that their loved one is doing this not because they are morally reprehensible, lazy but because it makes sense to them in a powerful way. This creates an entirely different relationship and atmosphere – I still feel scared, I don't like or agree with it but I can understand it now. You’re a human being and these things mean something to you. This changes everything – what you’re doing makes me want to turn away to what you’re doing makes me want to turn towards you. The thing that changes is the understanding of their motivation.

The person struggling with the addiction is the one whose behaviour is not acceptable. The family is involved in a blame way. Studies about family support and family health show the barriers to are practical and economic but the major one is stigma. When a family member steps into the change process or treatment system they get blamed, ‘why didn't you see it earlier’ and there is shame and blame. It rips the family fabric of trust and safety apart and how you reengage is different for all families. Their values are different but most are invested in staying connected, of being loving and bringing safety, connection, respect and collaboration into a family unit that might have been damaged by the substance abuse.

Jeff feels Science and Kindness is what helps people change and that although strategies, understanding and data related research trial concepts are powerful without kindness the uptake and effectiveness is much less. Kindness is an evidence-based strategy as well.

You can find out more about Jeff at Center for Motivation and Change Foundation or The Beyond Addiction Workbook for Family and Friends: Evidence-Based Skills to Help a Loved One Make Positive Change, 

   You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Soft skills. The key to productivity, staff retention … and success

In the past, soft skills such as communication, teamwork and emotional intelligence have often been seen as less important than more tangible, technical skills. Although this perception has been changing, at times of recession or when budgets start to be cut, training in soft skills is one of the first things that organisations axe. But in the longer term, cutting back on soft skills training can be being detrimental to your organisation as these are the skills that can improve productivity and help to create a workplace culture that improves staff retention.

A study by Boston College, Harvard University and the University of Michigan, showed that soft skills training in areas like communication and problem solving boosted productivity and retention by 12 %, and delivered a 250 % return on investment based on these increases. A further study of over 2,000 business leaders and employees by Ethical Angel revelled that 9 out of 10 of the business leaders surveyed believed that their businesses would be more productive if their staff had better developed soft skills.

Whilst technical skills connect employees to the physical function of their jobs, soft skills help to build the connection between them and their job, organisation and colleagues. Soft skills help to create an environment of belonging and purpose that increases employee engagement, something that is also known to directly impact on business outcomes such as productivity. 

To work effectively with one another, we need the soft skills that allow us to understand and interact with other people and emotionally navigate situations.  Ensuring employees are equipped with the right soft skills for their role is therefore essential in enabling them to communicate and collaborate more effectively and also to develop greater understanding and the positive working relationships which improve the overall workplace culture. This in turn can improve teamwork and job satisfaction, raise morale and increase efficiency and performance which all contribute to increased productivity and better employee retention.

As UK business faces the possibility of economic slow down and recession, organisations will need to be on top of their game as they navigate through enforced change.  Emotionally intelligent employees with soft skills such as resilience, empathy, communication, problem solving, teamwork and self-confidence, will needed more than ever to make a real contribution to improving overall business performance and ultimately an organisation's success.

Move from shame and blame. The benefits of collaborative divorce.

Nanci A Smith has been a divorce lawyer for thirty years and is currently based in Vermont, North East USA. She is an advocate for collaborative divorce, a new model and mindset, which will allow a couple to emerge healthy and wholehearted from the divorce process rather than bitter and resentful. Her aim is to change the paradigm for divorce away from the blame and shame adversarial process to one that's more consistent with people’s core values of integrity, individual respect, transparency and compassion.

She feels that when it comes to the divorce table, lawyers are trained in the adversarial system. They get the basics of the story, the clients are wounded, frightened upset, scared and are maybe even feeling betrayed. There are lots of intense emotions going on and lawyers are not trained to handle these emotions so they say ‘you go get a therapist, I’ll do the legal stuff and then we’ll go off to the courthouse. There is no chance for healing or personal growth. Nanci feels the gift of a divorce is the opportunity to transform and grow through it.

In the UK we are used to the process of mediation. Its an out of court dispute resolution process where you have one neutral person listening to both sides and trying to come to some sort of compromise that both sides can live with. It's a real opportunity for people who are on an equal bargaining footing and who understand the psychological and financial issues and are both ready to get divorced.

Collaborative divorce is like ‘mediation on steroids’. It offers the couple more support with two lawyers trained in the process, a mental health coach and financial neutral so it’s an inter-disciplinary team. It provides a safe place to have the really difficult conversations that need to be had at a time when they are feeling their worst and we are expecting them to show and be their best.

Many people have the idea that a marriage is just a thing that happens to a person and don't consider the parties that are involved - the relationship, children and the different roles that can change over time. Dr Thackeray feels that no marriage should last more than ten years without a reprogramming or reengineering because we get so comfortable and familiar and becomes so easy to stay together. It’s almost as if we need something to happen to make us look at the relationship maybe when we get married we should be thinking how do we ensure we want to stay together? What you want when you’re twenty or thirty is not necessarily what you want when you’re forty-five, or fifty or sixty. Maybe there is a case for us we to review   our relationships every ten years?

People step out of marriage for different reasons but in Nanci’s experience it’s usually because communication has broken down or people are just not being honest. They don’t feel secure enough to say what they mean and mean what they say. The failure of communication leads to a lack of accountability and people get entrenched into positions of misery and want to blame and point the finger at others. They are just not feeling satisfied but they don't have the emotional training to engage in difficult conversations about important things like Am I happy?  Am I satisfied? Am I feeling constricted about money? Am I not feeling fulfilled in my work? If you don't have the capacity for that or take the time to dig deep during a marriage you’re likely to end up at the divorce lawyers. There is a choices – do it yourself, go to mediation or through a collaborative process or go to court and make a public display of all your trauma.

People who are drawn to collaborative divorce process tend to be internally driven and motivated to grow. They have the idea that they don't want this to be a nightmare for everyone, they want it to be reasonable, amicable and civil and they don't want to lose their relationships with their partner and in laws. Because there are children to consider they want to have a there is so much grief and loss involved in divorce. If you can look at it through the lens of grief you might be able to have the opportunity in the collaborative model to see that this is the opportunity to ask yourself truly what do I truly want? What do I need? I want to be heard. I want to be able to love again, I want to have a good relationship with my children. I don't want my ex to hate me. I don't want to lose the whole concept of our family

Nanci feels we have to reposition it, reconfigure it and take feedback. If your outward and pointing fingers at your ex for ruining your life then its going to be a long haul through the divorce process, If you view it as an opportunity for a major life transition and don't let layers bully you through an adversarial process you can use it for personal growth and transformational change

Collaborative lawyers are not going to make it worse. They are orientated towards settlement and are not going to ask you to make major decisions about children or major financial issues until both parties are psychologically ready to be divorced. Often one person is ready because they have been thinking about it for some time but it comes as a complete shock to the other person so they are not prepared. With enough support Nanci feels the shocked spouse can come back stronger if you give them time and grieve the losses and realise that this is good thing, an opportunity to move into the next stage of my life confident, secure and feeling good. The process provides the skills to do this and in so doing set an example to your children about handling adversity and building resilience.

Levels of grief can vary but the grief is generally for the relationship rather than for each other. There are so many loses. You lose your best friend, lover, status as a spouse, maybe your home, time with your children, your extended family and of course money but you are also losing the dream. This is one of the hardest loses. Shock and denial are so string then you’re mad and struck by the unfairness of what is happening rather than your role as co creator of the dynamic that has led to this. You are also a co creator in the resolution that is going to work for both of you and your entire family. Many people get so stuck in their anger at being betrayed that it becomes solely the other person’s fault and they don't accept any responsibility for their own role.

Nanci is the author of Untangling Your Marriage: A Guide to Collaborative Divorce (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Oct 11, 2022). You can find out more about her at nancismithlaw.com.

   You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Time management for a stress-free Christmas

Christmas is meant to be a time to relax and enjoy ourselves but it can be very stressful. A recent study by Harvard Medical School found that 62% of respondents described their stress level as “very or somewhat” raised during the Christmas holiday. A further study from the National Alliance of Mental Illness reported that 64% of people were already struggling with their mental health said the holiday exacerbated their condition.

Part of the problem is that people have unrealistically high expectations for the Christmas season. We all want it to be as perfect and magical as the songs and films tell us it should be. But with trips to the supermarket, gifts to buy, family to contact, cards to be written, presents to wrap, decorations to put up, meals to prepare and homes to be prepared, there’s just too much to do! And that's before we add in the financial pressures facing everyone at the moment.

So is it possible to manage stress levels at Christmas?  Well, some preparation in the run-up can help and introducing a few time management strategies will help you take control and stop you feeling you’re being driven like one of Santa's reindeer!

1. Choose for yourself

Make a list of things you have to do to prepare for the holiday and the things you want to do. If you end up with December being a mad whirl of non-stop Christmas preparations and activities then stand back and consider if you’re doing things because you want to or because you think you have to.  Give yourself more time to enjoy the things you like by cutting out some of the ones you really don’t have to do.

2. Start early

Christmas activities don’t have to be crammed into the week before. You can decorate your home for the holiday season in November if you want and buy Christmas gifts at any time of year. Stretching out your Christmas activities over a longer period of time can really help reduce stress. Christmas decorations, cards and gift wrap, are often available at discounted prices in the week after Christmas so why not buy them then, put them away and take it even easier next year!

3. Get help.

Who says that you have to everything yourself?  Use the gift-wrapping services that many shops provide. Assign some tasks to other family members. By using the time management strategies of outsourcing and delegation you’ll lighten your workload and your mood.

4. Do it online.

You don't have to take the time to drive anywhere to shop if you don't want to. Reduce stress by shopping and buying Christmas gifts online or if you do actually enjoy hitting the shops, make a list then check availability and compare costs online before you leave home. It also helps to pre-plan and coordinate your journeys so you can combine running errands with Christmas shopping.

5. Make it fun

Everyone finds some holiday season activities that have to be done boring. Why not try to make whatever it is you find boring more enjoyable by making it special and different. Have some friends around for a Christmas baking event or get the family together to decorate the tree and put up decorations.

6. Look after yourself.

We all know how we should take care of ourselves – get enough sleep, eat the right things, exercise and drink plenty of water. It’s just harder in the Christmas season when these always a lot more food and alcohol around. Try to find time to exercise each day - put on a fitness DVD, invite everyone for a brisk walk or organise a team game you all can take part in.  Don’t keep saying “yes” to everything that’s asked of you. This only builds up stress levels. It’s okay to say no.

7. Relax and enjoy.

Whether its taking the time to drive around to enjoy the displays of Christmas lights, attending a carol concert or simply catching up with friends, doing something you enjoy will see your holiday stress drop considerably.

8. Be realistic

Over-exceeding your capacity will only end in frustration. One of the most important and practical steps to take is to lower your expectations. Don’t expect too much from others or yourself and realise that everyone has their own nature, talents and capacities. By understanding that they, like you, cannot be anything other than who they are, you will avoid disappointment.

9. Stop work

Working from home or on a hybrid-working pattern can make it difficult to walk away but its essential to set some boundaries. Put the laptop in a cupboard, turn off your email notifications and forget about work for the holiday.

10. Let it go

Remember, everything passes and Christmas is only one day Take a deep breath and let it go. Things will return to normal very soon.

Remodel your brain for happiness

Dr Dawson Church, PhD, is an award-winning science writer who aims to bring science to various exponential and personal and global questions around the way our brain activity changes as we shift our awareness. In his latest book Bliss Brain, Dawson looks at the mental states of people who spend a lot of time meditating such as Franciscan nuns and Tibetan monks.  The book also looks at the science behind meditation and what works as well as showing that certain parts of the meditation are highly effective at inducing those states.

The research Dawson carried out shows how the brain state of these nuns and monks is extraordinarily happy and at a level we can’t comprehend because they are in an ecstatic state. The research also showed that their corpus callosum, the part of brain tissue that connects the left and right hemispheres, were very large. The question Dawson then asked was whether they were happy because their left and right brain had a lot of neural connections, because they had a large corpus callosum or whether these states were triggering brain growth?

Harvard psychologist Sarah Lazar looked at this issue in 2005, asking whether it was because brain anatomies produced these states or whether those states produced brain anatomies. She gave definitive answers, showing that the states that produce the brain anatomy can turn temporary states of wellbeing. When we cultivate these pleasurable states over time, they become traits. We don't just feel more blissful as a temporary state; the changes are literally hard-wired into our brains, becoming stable and enduring personality traits.

The states to traits progression in people who meditate, especially those who meditate effectively means they are able to increase neural mass in parts of the brain like the corpus callosum and the memory and learning system. There is an increase in neural tissues in the ventromedial prefrontal cortex that hooks the executive centres in to the emotional brain and down-regulates all the irritations and distractions of everyday life and focuses on happiness joy and wellbeing. These parts of the brain get bigger and stronger in meditation adapts.

On the other side of the coin are people with major depressive disorders where the ventromedial prefrontal cortex actually thins and starts to disintegrate. What’s left of it starts to signal the wrong way. The emotional brain that can be miserable, worried, anxious and stressed actually starts to control the executive functions and people start to say that they are stressed because of xyz. They then start to invent reasons in their executive centres for their misery rather than controlling it with the same part of the brain. These states produce measurable changes in brain anatomy.

Dawson published another study that explored meditation adapts used by the nuns and monks. It found that the traditional model they used took 10,000 hours to achieve with many having done over 40,000 hours of meditation in their lives. So how do you get there without taking vows of poverty, chastity, obedience and giving up all of your possessions? Dawson has found that there are certain things that you can do that to produce those changes quickly. If ordinary people, even non-meditators, do some highly effective practices culled from ancient traditions in a controlled way they can achieve similiar results.

In the trial some people did the meditation whilst others did other things such as mindfulness and mindful breathing. The trial found that in the first group doing the effective things, there was evidence of rapid and radical brain change and measurable functional changes in two parts of the brain after just one month. They were only meditating for twenty-two minutes a day but, by using effective practices, brain remodeling began and over time these structural changes in brain anatomy can make us calmer, happier, and more resilient.

Dawson found that three things were highly effective. One is to meditate intensively so you feel the good feelings in your body through breathing and relaxing certain muscles. You can then dial-up your emotions.  Neuro-research shows that if you have a positive feeling in your body you need to amplify it. Second, is that the effect is better if you do the practices in a group.  Group meditation is known to provide more positive neuroplascity. Having a body physical experience, dialling up your level of intensity and doing it in a group is really powerful.

The final thing that makes a difference is compassion. Compassion meditation has greater positive neuroplascity than other kinds of meditation. If there is an element of feeling compassion, the part of the brain called the insular lights up. Negative thinking is associated with the activation of brain regions like the mid prefrontal cortex, the “seat of self.” Positive emotions such as altruism and compassion light up the insula, key to social interactions and pro-social emotions such as gratitude and joy.

What we find in these people is the focus has been on emotion and the value of compassion because that's what Buddhism calls it. What we are now seeing more in neuroscience is a single positive meta emotion - you just feel really good and its up to an academic to label whether its happiness, gratitude or compassion.

Meditation activates certain parts of the brain. The commonality amongst all meditation styles is the deactivation of the default mode network. This is how the brain defaults when you are doing a task. When people are just resting they definitely feel better and more relaxed but what often happens is that the default mode network kicks in and they begin to ruminate and cataptophise because the default mode network is associated with thinking about the past especially threats and bad experiences and any problems that might occur in the future.

During deep meditation, ‘the 7 neurochemicals of ecstasy’ are released in our brains. These include anandamide, a neurotransmitter that's been named “the bliss molecule” because it mimics the effects of THC, the active ingredient in cannabis. Meditation also boosts serotonin and dopamine; the first has a chemical structure similar to psilocybin (“magic mushrooms”), the second to cocaine and cultivating these elevated emotional states literally produces a self-induced high.

You can find out more about Dawson at http://blissbrain.com/ and https://www.eftuniverse.com/ You can buy his latest blook Bliss Brain at https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401957757?ie=UTF8&tag=energypsych00-20

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Loneliness and isolation in the hybrid workplace

Long before the pandemic and the rise of working from home, loneliness and isolation was something felt by a number of office-based employees. Even if they were based in modern, open-plan offices designed to help collaboration, there was often little actual face-to-face communication. The increase in hybrid working has in many instances led to workers becoming even more isolated from other team members.

A report by Buffer (State of Remote Work 2022) found an increase in the number of remote and hybrid workers struggling with loneliness, from 20% in 2020 to 24% in 2022. It also found that 52% of employees globally felt less connected to their co-workers since they started remote working. Another study from Totaljobs found 60% of employees reported feeling lonely in their professional life, citing continued home working and irregular office patterns as increasing the problem.

By its nature hybrid working can accentuate feelings of isolation and disconnection by allowing siloed cliques and networks to develop and create distinct work experiences, cultures, and groups. Employees who are back in the office full-time can become dominant as they are able to centrally control information, knowledge and responsibilities. Teamwork, which generally improves the quality of a person’s working life, simply increases the issues within teams that have always existed - composition, interdependence and differences in working hours – whilst meetings where part of the team is in the office and the other is remote can easily become unbalanced and increase feelings of disconnection.

The feelings of isolation however, are not always related to the lack of interaction with colleagues, but rather to the feeling of exclusion that they have. In a 2020 Igloo study, almost 60% of teleworkers surveyed said they didn’t have certain information because it was communicated in person with 55% reported being excluded from meetings because they weren’t physically present.

Social isolation is one of the greatest risks hybrid workers face but there are some activities and strategies that can stop employees from feeling professionally isolated:

1. Regular face-to-face interactions

Make sure colleagues often meet in person by creating opportunities for informal chats, so people can share information and get to know one another better.

2. Communicate well

Use different channels to communicate with colleagues. Be transparent, and keep everyone in the loop in terms of work and, if they are happy to do so, what’s going on in their personal lives.

3. Evolve learning and development

Set up processes that work in a hybrid setup, e.g. days when junior employees can work with their line managers in the office. If possible invest in learning platforms and tools suitable for hybrid environments to enable people to develop their knowledge and skills.

4. Improve leadership

Leaders need to know how to manage in the hybrid world, to understand and spot any potential challenges and provide a role model to their teams.

5. Enhance onboarding

An in-person onboarding process is essential.  As well as work-led and social buddies, leaders need to be involved in the process to enable new employees settle smoothly into the company and their role.

Although hybrid working is often presented as the future of work and does bring many benefits, it is becoming obvious that there are some problems in its implementation and one of these is that more people feel lonely at work than ever before. A feeling of isolation at home, a lack of genuine connection to other team members, lack of belonging within the company culture, or even lack of visibility and recognition can all contribute to a sensation of loneliness at work.

Loneliness and isolation can be an issue regardless of whether employees are in a physical or virtual working environment but if a company doesn’t make an effort to address these issues, the hybrid work model will only have a negative impact on employee cohesion and motivation.

A work in progress. Resilience to evolve and succeed.

Martha Aviles is a marketing executive based in Austin, Teas. She has 20 years of high-tech marketing experience in SaaS, semiconductor, networking, and network security at start-ups, private, and public companies and has focused on impacting high-growth companies with innovative, measurable marketing strategies. Martha’s dynamic background is in leading and building high-performance marketing teams that include demand generation, integrated marketing, product marketing, digital marketing, public relations, brand management, analyst relations, and crisis communications.  

Martha parents were Nicaraguan immigrants who arrived in Miami Florida in the 1970s. They didn't speak the language but they both worked really hard and became college graduates with her father becoming an electrical engineer. Martha was born and grew up in Miami before moving to southern California and then Austin, Texas in the early 90s primarily because it was developing into a tech hub. She didn’t want an engineering career for herself so became involved in technical marketing, the career she has pursued for the last twenty years.

When she was a child many people didn’t know that Nicaragua was a country let alone where it was. People would ask her if it was in Africa and when she said it was in Central America she would be told there was no such place. She got very tired trying to explain it so often just said she was from Cuba! Martha felt she didn't really fit in anywhere. In Miami she grew up with many Nicaraguans. Her first language was Spanish and she didn't even speak English until she was six but she always felt there was an American edge. Now though she feels she is a third culture child – she doesn't totally fit in either Nicaragua or the US but rather can fit in anywhere.

In Miami a lot of Cubans, Puerto Ricans and Nicaraguans stayed together. There were Nicaraguan restaurants that had been run by families for generations and these became gathering places. This was not the case in some of the other places she lived in. Her family moved a lot before she was twelve and when they eventually moved to Austin she realised there were not a lot of Nicaraguans in Texas.  Martha feels that you can’t build that type of community and most of her friends were from other ethnicities such as Philippine or Vietnamese with immigrant parents and being a first generation American.

Houston is a very diverse ‘international’ city but other parts of Texas are far less diverse and are very ‘Texas Proud’. Martha found it a struggle because many people thought she was Mexican and that was particularly frustrating because it felt as if Mexican was only Hispanic culture. When Martha moved to Texas in 1986 she lived in a small town for a couple of years called Harper Heights where she got beaten up at school every day because she was the only brown kid. It was very challenging but she knew she was resilient as a child – she didn't know the terminology but knew she couldn't quit and that there was something better waiting on the other side.  

Martha feels she had tenacity and stubbornness and that this built over time by having to deal with a lot of challenges. It’s something she still work on though - things keep getting thrown at you as you get older although you think you’re resilient enough and don't need another challenge! Children are often very resilient and Martha feels that there is an immigrant work ethic that tells you that you don't quit. She was also an oldest child so knew the pressure was on her to blaze a trail for the family in the US. This was difficult at times because her parents didn’t know what she was going through for the first time. She often asked why didn't they know about this or why didn't they give me the heads up about that until she realised it was up to her to make it easier for her family and sisters. Not wanting to disappoint her younger siblings did help build her character though.

Some parents expect their children to feel gratitude towards them. They say ‘look at what we’ve done for you’ but Martha’s parents used to tell her to remember her name and that she shouldn’t tarnish her reputation. Martha always felt this was very negative and not a good pressure and sometimes when she was a bit down her parents would say she was setting an example her sisters.

As an adult she now feels that what was a difference and a negative when she was a child is now her superpower and that it has given her an advantage in the real world. At college when she decided she was not going to be an engineer she realised she had a knack for people. She grew up feeling it was unsafe being who she was because of her skin colour, her language and lack of English and that to survive she had to figure people out very quickly. She had to adapt to stay safe so now feels that it really helps her in marketing – she can listen to people’s stories and get in their heads at a different level to other people. As she gets older she finds that she embraces her story and finds it empowering – it was a hard road to get there and to understand who she was and that's she’s OK with it.

Martha thinks that it she could go back and talk to her ten year old self that she would say a couple of things. One that its going to be OK because there were many times she couldn't see the path forward and two that she shouldn’t care so much about what other people think. However much you try to be a good person, you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and that you shouldn’t waste a lot of time trying to get people to like you because it's a real waste of time. To navigate this path you need to understand what parts are mine to own and what parts can I lose. Martha still struggles and wants to be liked but different challenges and life has helped her realise that being a people pleaser doesn't work long term and that you will still get through even if everybody doesn't like or understand you.

To try to get ahead some female executives have developed social fluency, others a ‘bitch from hell’ persona whilst others try being a woman in a man’s suit. All are legitimate strategies but social fluency and being able to get on with people in a more adult and honest way of getting on. If you are agreeable it can be easier to get on in life but then people can be shocked when you do disagree about something and find it hard to take you seriously.

Martha feels that life is work in progress. Her background gave her goal metrics and an idea of where she was meant to be going and the points she needed to hit but then she realised that once she hit the goals there were still more challenges. Life is about evolving and facing challenges and continuing to broaden your knowledge to be a better person. This is a process that continues until we die so we need to look at it as a process and try to enjoy it rather than consider it a mountain to climb and once you reach the top its over.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Generational stress in the workplace

Stress is part of everyday life and we are all affected by it at some point. Understanding the factors that drive stress is the key to managing it and this has become increasingly important in organisations with multiple generations in their workforce.

Each generation has its own stress triggers and handles its stress in different ways. On top of the drivers that can affect everyone - changes to the work environment, a difficult situation, a new role or manager, deadline, risks, fear of failure or even something outside of work that generates negative thoughts - there are causes of stress that affect people in specific groups. For example, employees in their 50’s may be dealing with issues such as chronic physical ill health (which can of course have a significant effect on mental health), care of elderly parents or ‘empty nest’ syndrome. Millennials meanwhile could be dealing with anxiety about career progression, social media-related issues such as “FOMO” or low self-esteem that can also lead to anxiety and depression.

Stress can cause a huge number of problems in the workplace so it’s important for leaders to know how their employees handle stress and give them the right resources, whatever their generation. Annual stress audits, regular check-ins with managers and relevant training, development and wellness programme’s, will help organisations to limit stress in the workplace and create healthier, happier employees.

Whilst generational diversity can generate new perspectives, differing values and working styles can lead to conflict and stress. By creating a workplace that doesn’t contribute to unhealthy levels of stress and helps employees to reduce stress drivers, employers will benefit from increased productivity, reduced health care costs, and a more engaged culture.

A journey of awakening.

Beth Bell spent over fifteen years in strategic brand management in the pharmaceutical industry and which took her around the world. Eventually though she realised she wanted to do something more with her life. She loved her job but knew there was a bigger mission so she left her corporate life behind and moved to Bali, originally thinking she’d be there for three months but ending up being there for five and half years.

In total she spent seven and a half years in Asia and returned to the US in 2018 where she did her own shows ‘Pollenate the planet with love’ and  ‘Empowering peer love and purpose’.  She has now launched a book to on how we can stop the suffering of the mind by giving in to our souls plan and living the bliss that is our abundance and birthright.

Big pharma does not seem to be a place of great purpose and meaning. A lot of people get feelings that there is more so what was happening to you? What was going on in your head?

Beth is not really a disgruntled corporate person, but there is a soul seeking aspect of working for any big company. She always had the idea that there was something more that I’m here to do, something more that I want to contribute. After going though a tumultuous divorce which was also one of the biggest spiritual awakening moments in her life she just walked up the stairs of her corporate life and realised things had to change because she really wanted to do something different. She didn't really know what it was or where she should go but the idea of moving to Costa Rica came to mind. Within one week she had five people tell her she should go to Costa Rica and she took that as a sign. She started looking at the airfares and told herself that if the ticket was cheap enough she would go. It was and she took that as the last validation sign so bought the ticket and then realised she would have to quit her job.

Beth’s employer’s offered her a three-month sabbatical but after one month she realised she want to go back any time soon. She didn't want to leave her team without a leader so she decided to give them notice and not take the three months. She kept travelling and this started to accelerate her spiritual journey. She ended up going back to the corporate world after two years which turned out to be a great opportunity with many more things unfolding from there. Beth feels she was divinely guided to leave her corporate life, to return to it and finally leave it for good many years down the road.

You had an idea but you acted on it. lots of people don't act on. You de-risked it but there is a difference between people who act and those that don't. What is it that makes you take action?

Beth feels that she developed intuitive risk taking. It was a risk to leave her corporate life and pay check and it did take a lot to make the jump but intuitively she knew she wanted to follow her heart and didn't want to be a person who said woulda shoulda coulda. She wanted to be the person that lived her life to its fullest and not in fear. She read a book called ‘A Course on Miracles’ which told her that life is either based on love or fear. She choose love and that meant she was going to go where her heart said she should go. To Beth intuitively doesn’t mean doing something on a whim rather it means listening to the feeling in your gut and then finding some validation points to make it make sense.

Beth’s divorce was painful. She fell in love with someone who was a great companion and had a lot of things in common with. She also fell prey to the white picket fence fairytale of romantic love. They both had different ideas about who they were as people and what they wanted to represent. She spent a lot of time enjoying her marriage but ended up lying to herself, not intentionally because didn't know she was lying to herself but she was not seeing the relationship for what it really was and how it was holding it back. She doesn't think her ex wanted to intentionally hold her back but we all have fear in relationships and in love. We want to protect ourselves and we all have ideas of want a relationship should be.

They started to part but then Beth hadwhat she refers to as an awakening kiss at 30,000 feet. Someone woke her up and she realised that she wanted more and that she could be in a relationship that gave her more. It was an awakening kiss because it wasn't a relationship that then was heavily pursued, it was an awakening to say there is so much more in a relationship that she was capable of. It was difficult because she had been with her husband for ten years and it wasn't something he wanted. It created a challenge and it took five to six years to settle the divorce.

Beth is still very grateful for the relationship because it was good in a lot of ways and taught her a lot of things. It was a challenge to get of though and she spent a lot years going under every rock, nook and cranny to make sure she healed from all the things that had come about from the relationship.

Beth’s new book is called Angels, Herpes and Psychedelics. She was encouraged by many people to change the title but she feels the title was spirited to her.  She breaks it down by explaining that Angels are always around to guide us. They appear in many forms but surround us everywhere. Everyone is an angel and we need to be open to the people in our lives so we can listen to the lesson they are here to help us with. Herpes refers to the different traumas that appear in life. Beth feels that viruses of the mind are the biggest trauma in life. These mean different things for people but we need to unravel the storyline of our mind to stop suffering.

Beth always had an absolute no go drug policy with just an occasional use of alcohol but she now feels that after twenty years of building her spiritual toolbox, psychedelics have helped her to completely embody the intellectual concepts she had with all her spiritual learning in a completely new way.

Beth came to psychedelics because at one point she was a flower whisperer. In her corporate world she could not meditate so she started photographing flowers and fell in love with the vibration and energy of flowers and this became her meditation. This led her into her being more interested in plant based medicine because she understood the power of flowers and plants. Coming from big pharma she finds it interesting that there are no over 250 pharmaceutical psychedelics companies all studying different molecules. A number of them are featured on the New York Stock Exchange so are seen as legitimate companies and it is likely that approvals for some psychedelics will be given in 2023.

There is lots of research and testing of psychedelics and the early results on their effect on trauma, anxiety and performance enhancement shows great promise. Conventional medicine is often reluctant and slow to take up new ideas so it’s often at the boundaries where you find advancements. However, the use of psychedelics is to be taken very seriously.

Beth feels it provides a great ability to help you work through trauma to expand your consciousness and that in an appropriate setting you can have an experience where you can understand the way that the universe works and who you really are and also unravel all the storylines in your mind that you don’t know are there. These can be ancestral or programmed from your parents, community or media and they can cause suffering.

Until you get into the depths of unraveling them to know who you really are, you will experience suffering. Psychedelics have the ability to give you a northern star that shows you where you’re headed, where you want to go and what your souls plan is.  

You can find out more about Beth at BethBell.me or her new book Angels, Herpes and Psychedelics, shares her journey of awakening and provides a spiritual toolbox others can learn from.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Does the winter make you feel SAD?

Despite the fact that millions of us say we've suffered a winter-related low mood, it can seem as though the winter blues is just a myth. But there's sound scientific evidence to support the idea that the season can affect our moods. So, if you go through bouts of the winter blues, lack of daylight may well play a part.

We’re all affected by the change in season to a greater or lesser degree – we generally feel more cheerful and energetic when the sun is shining or find that we eat more or sleep longer in winter. However, if you experience SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), the change in seasons has a much greater effect on your mood and energy levels and can lead to symptoms of depression that have a significant impact on your day-to-day life.

The exact cause of SAD isn't fully understood, but it's thought to be linked to reduced exposure to sunlight during the shorter days of the year. Sunlight can affect some of the brain's chemicals and hormones although it’s not really clear what this effect is. One theory is that light stimulates a part of the brain called the hypothalamus, which controls mood, appetite and sleep. These things can affect how you feel.

In people with SAD, a lack of sunlight and a problem with certain brain chemicals stops the hypothalamus working properly. The lack of light is thought to affect the:

• production of the hormone melatonin

• production of the hormone serotonin

• body's circadian rhythm (its internal clock, which regulates several biological processes during a 24-hour period)

You are more likely to experience SAD if you live in a country where there are significant changes to daylight, temperature and weather between seasons. It’s more common in Scandinavia, Europe, North America, North Asia, and in southern parts of Australia and South America.  It’s also rare to find people with symptoms of SAD living near the equator, where daylight hours are long and bright all year round. In the UK, it is estimated that about one in fifteen people experience some symptoms of SAD.

SAD symptoms generally appear between September and November and are most noticeable during December, January and February. They can continue until March, April or even May the following year when symptoms tend to go away either suddenly (often with a short period of hyperactivity) or gradually, depending on the amount of sunlight in the spring and early summer.

SAD can affect people of any age but most commonly symptoms begin between 18 and 30. For some people, symptoms are fairly mild and last for a shorter period but a small percentage of people are affected very badly and find it hard to carry out day-to-day tasks in winter without continuous treatment.

Some or all of the following are symptoms of SAD

• lack of energy for everyday tasks

• concentration problems

• sleep problems

• depression

• apathetic and feeling nothing

• anxiety

• panic attacks

• mood changes

• overeating

• being more prone to illness

• social and relationship problems

As with any type of depression, SAD can be difficult to live with. It is a recognised condition though, so if you do get the winter blues and start to feel down, depressed or unable to cope as well as normal then you should consult your doctor. Diagnosis is generally made after two or more consecutive years of suffering the symptoms but the good news is that there are a number of treatments available and they can be very successful.

Studies have shown that light therapy relieves SAD symptoms for as much as 70% of patients after a few weeks of treatment or your doctor may recommend talking therapies such as CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) or medication such as antidepressants. If you prefer not to take medication, alternative therapies and approaches such as reflexology, massage or hypnotherapy have been found to help.

Recovering from childhood trauma to rebuild the sibling bond

Ronni Tichenor and Jennie Weaver are sisters and survivors who found a way to emerge from a tragic cycle of intergenerational trauma and abuse

Ronni and Jennie grew up in a home with abuse, addiction and mental illness. There is a lot of conversation around these issues nowadays about recovery from childhood trauma, its impact and how it can be difficult to realise that you grew up in a home with these dynamics because denying that these things are going on can be common. Sometimes this denial lasts to adulthood.

Both of them took some time to figure out what had happened to them in their childhood and have spent the last couple of decades trying to recover from their experiences. One of the things they noticed as they tried to get information and educate themselves about the dynamic they had experienced as children is that there is a lot of talk about childhood trauma these days but not a lot of discussion about what happens to siblings.

The relationship between siblings is nearly always damaged in some way in homes like theirs. Its not their fault because the dynamics the parents set in motion often sets children against each other in very explosive ways. Children can grow up and have really tough relationships with their siblings or be estranged from their siblings and not realise that it’s not their fault. The fact that Ronni and Jennie were able to come back together and heal the relationship in addition to healing individually is something they didn't see a lot of people talk about so that is why they are trying to bring that forward in the conversation.

Siblings can have different experiences, especially male and female relationships. Often one sibling is on the side of one parent and the other is on the side of the other?

Jennie was the youngest of three children and she was identified as the patient or scapegoat if you use the terms talked about with addiction. Ronni was the oldest and the hero. She was set up to succeed and to be the champion of the family. Jennie’s role was to be the problem of the family. She was a sensitive child and very intuitive so was constantly trying to read the mood of the room and her parents to try to avoid the next explosion. She really didn't feel particularly closer to one or the other - they were equally frightening in their ability to rage and to afflict pain. She feels Ronni seemed at times to be a confident of father so there was definitely a constant loyalty of ‘who do you love more’. That's probably very common in families with these issues.

Ronni agrees that they had different roles that they played and although neither of them was fun, Jennies’ was terrible. There were times when Ronni felt that her father was trying to draw her into being his confident, especially during her teen years. Her mother did that as well sometimes so there was a loyalty trap. It was also difficult because when her father was looking for looking for someone to talk it was because he felt he couldn't  talk to her mother in that way - it was both flattering and troublesome that she was being put between her mother and father. It was just one of a number of uncomfortable and unhealthy dynamics that were set into motion n homes like theirs.

If you are a single child and you’re abused there is a different set of dynamics going on.  In families are all the siblings involved or is the abuse confined to one and with the others not being part of it?

It’s unusual to have just one sibling targeted. You’re targeted in different ways. Their parents were verbally and physically abusive to all of them but because of her role as the ‘hero’, Ronni received less of that than Jennie did. Jennie got the brunt of it and that disparity intensified into adulthood. It got to the point where they had to break contact with their parents and their brother because they realised what was happening and wanted to get help whilst their parents and brother did not.  This happened when Ronni and Jennie were in their late 20’s/early 30’s and whilst Ronni was getting much less of the abuse, Jennie was constantly targeted. There can be disparities but usually all the siblings get some measure of maltreatment. Their brother was abused as well although he did not see it that way – when they tried to point out the abuse he had endured when he was growing up he couldn't see it and sided with their parents as they were trying to pull out of denial.

It is quite common that you see different roles. They are almost strategic partnerships or relationships that build because sometimes the best defence is to appear to join the enemy. When you were experiencing the abuse did you talk about it or was it only later that you began to unpack it that you discovered what was going on? How did that awareness of each other’s role come about?

Jennie feels it really evolved over time.  They both knew that they wanted very different types of marriage to what they had witnessed growing up. They both married really good men and as they started to have their children they started to talk about parenting and how they wanted to parent. One weekend Ronni invited Jennie to visit alone with her 8 month old daughter. Ronni knew Jennie was really struggling – she was living with their parents as her husband was overseas on Operation Desert Storm and there wasn’t a lot of direct communication with each other. They were still entrenched in part in denial and what therapists would call triangular communication – in order to maintain control somebody in the family had to be controlling the communication. At that time most of the communication was running through their mother who kept a tight lid on what she decided to share, which often wasn't accurate at all. It was all part of maintaining loyalty and keeping them in line.

The weekend was a big deal and Jennie received a lot of flak from their parents but it turned out to be an opportunity for Ronni and Jennie to open up. As soon as Jennie walked in the door Ronni realised she was suffering from severe depression. Over the weekend they started to talk and they stepped out of denial and broke the taboo of silence by discussing the family dynamics and how their parents were treating Jennie.

It’s often the case that each individual sibling treats what’s happening as a secret and doesn't share it. There is a futility to those years where you don't realise that you have somebody else, that you have a supporter or ally. There must be part of the sickening sense of waste that comes from this?

You are so entrenched in the denial and following those ever changing roles of control. Its about controlling each of the children and they realised as they started to talk to each other how isolated they were from each other and their emotional needs. They didn't really talk much directly to each other about what was going on because they were conditioned to keep silent. You are conditioned to believe that after a horrible beating that you’re not hurt, too stop crying, I didn’t mean to hurt you so don't talk about it. When you are conditioned from infancy it takes a lot to break out those patterns and recognise the patterns and then talk about and have someone to talk about them with. A therapist who is well versed in abuse and addiction and the mental illness dynamics in families is imperative to start unpacking but to have a sibling to validate the memories and say ‘I was there’ ‘I remember that’ ‘you’re not imagining it’ accelerates your healing process dramatically.

One of the major challenges is building a relationship with a partner who is taking on someone who has been through such an experience. It creates trust or commitment issues and the need to not have the relationship you had with your parents. You need to construct something that is a figment of your imagination because you can’t use your experience. How do you begin to work with your partners in sharing issues and begin to develop relationship and parenting styles?

Ronni and her partner talked a lot in the beginning about what they wanted. They recognised patterns with both his father and her father and mother’s anger issues. It wasn't until she started going to counselling early in their marriage before they had their children that she started unpacking some of what had happened. Her husband was very supportive, he is a very healthy and loving person in his own right and they just wanted to work on creating the most loving relationship they could have with each other and then when they started having children to be the best parents they could. To parent as consciously as possible.

Ronni and Jennie have both pursued really successful careers and are examples of people who have not been defined by past significantly learned from it.

They have both taken what they were given as children and tried to figure out how to live their lives in a healthier manner and also use that information to help other people. Ronni feels that because we don't talk about these issues they are swept under the rug and society helps people stay in denial about what they have experienced because we don’t talk about it.

You learn from the process of sharing. You learn more about yourself in the process of enabling and helping other people. What was behind the decision to write the book?

Ronni and Jennie both felt that they had done a lot of research and that it was helpful to hear other peoples stories. It also helped them find the name what had happened to them. A therapist told them that it is really unusual for the hero and scapegoat to become as close as the two of them had and they started to think that there might be probably some kind of formulae that they could share in terms of what they did on their path to increase the possibility that other people could heal their sibling relationships as well.

You can find out more at www.ronniandjennie.com or https://www.facebook.com/theheartandsoulsisters

Their book is available at  Healing Begins with Us: Breaking the Cycle of Trauma and Abuse and Rebuilding the Sibling Bond 

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Are your team disengaged?

Earlier this year Gallup reported that only 20% of employees globally are engaged so its quite possible that you work with someone who just doesn’t want to be there. Whilst an engaged workforce has a positive effect on business performance, disengaged employees can prove disastrous to an organisation so its important to realise when employees are starting to lose interest. Here are some of the things to look out for:

1. Arriving late, leaving early and generally bad timekeeping
2. A noticable drop in work output and quality
3. A change in working style with a preference for working in isolation
4. An increased number of unexplained absences
5. Not sharing ideas or fully contributing to the team
6. Making mistakes and missing deadlines when they were previously on top of things
7. An inabiity to, or disinterest in answering questions about their day-to-day role
8. Cancelling or rescheduling meetings with their managers or team members
9. A refusal to follow protocols
10. A negative reaction to change.

Once you have identified the signs of disengagement, you can start working on a plan to improve their engagement to get them back on track! Some of the ways you can do this includes:

1. Working with the employee to put a development plan in place - find out how they want to grow,  the skills they’d like to develop and potential growth opportunities
2. Setting goals with the employee so they feel more supported and can see how their work fits in with, and matters to, the organisation
3. Encouraging participation in one-on-one meetings so the employee can voice their concerns and wishes- then make sure you act on them!
4. Giving and getting regular feedback 
5. Recognising positive behaviour and strong performance in a way that the employee is comfortable with - a simple “thank you’ often works well!
6. Monitoring employee performance and potential to see if things are getting better on a continuous basis.  

Keeping employees engaged is a constant process that must be continuously worked on. Connecting and communicating effectively with employees can help you better identify and handle all levels of engagement.

Speed skiing, engineering and mindset The road to the Olympics

Speed skiing is an extreme sport where skiers reach speeds of up to 200 kms an hour. Each competitor skis in a straight line, in a tuck position as fast as possible to the finish line with the skier with the fastest time winning.

It was a demonstration sport at the Albertville Winter Olympics in 1992 but has not been part of the Games since then however there is a likelihood of it returning in the 2026 or 2030 Games and Jacob is on a mission to see that happen. 

Like all high level sport speed skiing is about failure, rectification, incremental gains and constant evolution. It’s an extremely tough sport mentally and physically – you know you will have crashes but you have to have a long-term vision and know where you’re tying to go. You have to put goals in place that are incremental – you’re not going to get to your end goal of skiing at 200 kms an hour on your first run but you can set goals to get towards it and look at it with a long term perspective.

It needs a lot of confidence to go that fast. The starts can be extremely difficult because the tracks are very steep – sometimes it can be like looking out the window of a plane! Starting points can be between 400 and 800 metres or 2000 feet tall and even getting to the start can be problematical. Often you have to use ropes or climbing gear to get in position and it’s even more of a challenge with super long skis of 240cms. Once you get in position and set up for the run you then just jump off a platform or push off the side of the track.

At the start you run though your check-list – the position, what you’re going to do on this run, is all your equipment correct. You focus on things systematically because it then makes you feel as if you have a game plan which in turn gives you a lot of confidence when you’re about to start. Then you put on your aerodynamic helmet (which has an inner helmet which stays on in a crash and an outer helmet that breaks off) and you’re ready for the run. The last thing you should be thinking about at that point are the potential consequences, the ‘what if’ or the ‘what will happen if I crash’. 

With the helmet on the field of vision is very small. You can only see a couple of feet in front of you especially when you are at high speed in a tuck but once they say go you’re totally focused. The run is over in 20 seconds so sometimes the hype before the run is more of a rush than the run itself. You focus intensely for 20 seconds or so. You’re travelling at 100mph and can see the undulations in the snow, you can feel the speed and the wind and then its over. Before you know it you’re at the bottom.

Jacob is also a Manufacturing Engineering team lead for Amatrol Inc., a global leader in technical education and training for industry, community colleges, and technical colleges. He finds it a very rewarding job transforming the global workforce and feels there is renewed interest in trade schools and in developing skills for various aspects of industry. He also finds that the engineering principals he uses and has learned can be applied to the speed skiing side of his life. Speed skiing is heavily involved in equipment so having a background in design engineering and manufacturing engineering allows him to provide product input on the different components of equipment and also to design various pieces of equipment set up.

Jacob found his way to speed skiing by chance. He competed in alpine ski racing, particularly slalom and giant slalom, as a junior and had some success but at the same time he was playing tennis in high school. He wound up playing Division 1 tennis for Wright State University and Southern Illinois University Edwardsville and competed on ITF and UTR Pro Tennis circuit.

Whilst he was focused on tennis he took a break from skiing competitively. The career span in alpine ski racing is not very long with most racers retiring around 30. By time Jacob came out of college he was 25 years old so it didn't leave a lot of time to complete. He started looking for ways to get involved in competitive skiing again but in a way that would provide a longer opportunity to build, compete and develop. He looked at different disciplines such as cross country and ski jumping but then came across the speed skiing which he thought looked really cool.

Jacob started reaching out to people in the US and in different organisations in Europe and found out more about the sport. The speed skiing community is there to help everybody. You are competing but somehow are on the same team and everyone wants to get more people interested in the sport. People were helping him to understand the equipment needs and how to get into competitions and at that point he realised this was what he wanted to do. The first year he didn't have any sponsors so was using used equipment in the feeder category for World Cup Competitions which is called S2. He did really well and last year was his first year on the World Cup category itself and he hopes to continue from there.

Managing anxiety is important. When he started out Jacob didn't have much anxiety but last year he had a crash at over a 100 mph. He walked away from it with just bruising but it wasn't the physically side that took a long time to get over. Ever since then when he’s training or even just working on equipment he relives the crash or gets anxiety about it. The biggest thing for him to deal with it was to understand why he crashed and then understand how to prevent it. Once he had figured this out then he could finally let go of that experience. He feels that if you can’t put a reason to why you are doing it or what the causes are then that's what creates anxiety – its the unknown.

Many engineers are very rational thinkers who are not prone to massive flights of imagination and Jacob thinks this can sometimes help because you can logically think through problems but sometimes it works against you because you start to overthink problems - you start to ask too many questions when in reality you should simplify the problem but you make more out of it than it is.

Jacob feels that his engineering and skiing careers overlap. There are always challenges and problems in manufacturing, meeting goals, using resources efficiently, increasing production and improving quality. These things go hand in hand with speed skiing, not just from a technical side but from a mental side as well.

You can find out more about Jacob at https://www.jacobperkins.org/ or to find out more about speed skiing visit speedski.com or fis-ski.com

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Desk bombing? Why it’s good to talk.

Desk bombing seems to have become the most recent buzzword to hit the workplace. It’s a phrase that appeared recently in a Financial Times feature where highlighted the incident of a worker who’d received no response to emails they’d sent to someone in the same office. It was suggested that they walk over and get the matter resolved but the worker refused, saying they didn’t want to “desk bomb” their colleague.

The idea is to encourage workers to think about whether they need to get up from their desk to discuss something with a colleague or if what they want to ask can be put in an email. To critics, the one-on-one is considered a waste of work time and 'intrusive', with mailing or messaging being preferable and less invasive. To others though, face-to-face contact is part of being human and an essential part of a flourishing workplace culture.

Communicating with co-workers has always been fundamental to building and maintaining strong working relationships and in creating a healthy working culture. So what’s changed? Is it that working from home has somehow damaged working relationships? Do some workers now feel uncomfortable or anxious interacting with colleagues and clients face-to-face after working on their own during lockdown? Do employees who prefer being ‘left alone’ really welcome the idea of desk bombing becoming an HR or contractual issue if someone turns up at their desk unscheduled?

We all have moments when we’re really under pressure and don't want to be disturbed so its important to recognise personal space.  If someone looks totally engrossed in what they’re doing or are wearing headphones it's a sign that they don’t need or want to be disturbed. That's all good but we need to remember that it’s impossible to build a strong team if some of its members are unable or unwilling to talk to others.

Good communication is an essential tool in maintaining strong working relationships at all levels of an organisation and conversations with co-workers are an important aspect in creating a healthy work environment. 

Personally, after the last few years working from home with endless Zoom calls, actually talking face-to-face seems a far more enjoyable method of communication - as well as being more efficient by not generating a long and unwarranted email trail.

Become a Braveologist. The key to conscious bravery

Pamela Brinker has been a psychotherapist for more than thirty years but, when her second husband died of brain cancer eleven years ago, in her grief she didn't know what to do or where to turn. She looked at the obvious resources and tried to modify things as she had taught her clients but, within months, both of her then teenage sons turned to drugs and alcohol in their pain and suffering.

 Even though they were close it was such a challenging time for them. They were turning to each other and to substances. Within three years they were both addicted to amphetamines and Pamela had to come up with some different strategies. She became a ‘Braveologist’, using tools and resources differently and adapting and modifying different techniques not just for grief but also for the mental health and addiction challenges her sons were facing.

There is an assumption that drug users ‘come from the wrong side of the tracks’ and a lack of understanding that addiction can start in many ways - having an operation and getting addicted to painkillers or from grief. There are negative connotations when they talk about addiction and this is a stigma we need to break. None of us want to become addicted but most of us are to something – albeit chocolate or shopping!

Pamela thinks we need to start having a view of addiction that's on a continuum. Although she uses word addiction in her book, she sees it as substance or behavioural issues. She feels that we all need compassion and understanding to realise that no one wants to be dependent on a substance to get the level of happiness or containment that they seek or to deal with pain. That's really part of how addiction develops over time - it's a combination of a lot of different things. There is no one size fits all and it becomes a brain issue of pleasure and desire.

Some of the most recent research shows that the part of our brain that we need to use to help us override our dependency, is the same part of the brain that is flawed and not working properly. Pamela suggests that we walk alongside those we care about with deep compassion with tenderness and with strength.

One approach that is used when working with addicts is the 12 Steps which has been adapted for many different addictions such as eating, shopping, gambling etc. In the US there also mindfulness or whole-being based programmes with strategies that support people getting into their bodies not just their hearts and minds. Pamela has done a lot of work with somatic enquiry, awareness and body work which helps get us into the places in our bodies where our pain is stored. This is an answer to the ‘how do we resolve addiction’ and the ‘how do we quit depending on a substance’ questions. If we bring deep compassion to ourselves, to our whole being, we are seeking something to help us with what our brains, bodies and hearts can’t handle.

Linking the body to the mind is important as we wear pain in the body as well as the mind. The answer to many mental health even trauma issues is in the body. Pamela feels that we need to move past mindfulness and use the data available to us from going both inside and outside our beings so that we become more consciously aware. She uses the six zones of experience to do a whole being scan – the body, the heart, the mind, our intuition, the energy fields/environment around us and then the deepest part of our core self or essence. We can do this scan in thirty to sixty seconds and can gain a wealth of information so we can realign and balance and be there for our loved ones.

Self-care is very important when working with addicts because it’s very draining giving of yourself. It’s also important to guard and protect our happiness so we can remain a vibrant being who isn’t defined by our circumstances, situation or other people. When we are feeling agitated or tap into a situation which might be a crisis we start asking ‘what should I do?’ The key foundation of self-care is to tap into our own being where we have a wealth of data that can help us to decide what to do, to see what options are available and to think more clearly and be calmer - which is what we think we want when we say we want mindfulness! What we really want is to be truly aware and make choices that are truly brave.

Integrating the body with the mind helps the mind make better choices and allows for pattern disruption so that other things aren’t distracting you from harnessing your whole self. Most of us activate emotionally, in our bodies or both. Our minds start racing so we want to be able to ground ourselves and rebalance, to tune in to our bodies and calm the sympathetic nervous system.

There is a criticism of some awareness approaches. The critical thing is what comes next, of having awareness not for the sake of awareness but of making choices and taking meaningful action. We can’t just pretend to live joyful lives, we can’t just hope and affirm.

Being consciously brave is about being able to know what is needed in any given moment and then doing it. When we have the capacity to be free of all feelings and not judge ourselves we can come into our whole being and say ‘I can do this’. We need to be able to know who we truly are – to know I’m not my situation or defined by my loved ones - I’m defined by my essence which is never changing

Conscious bravery is innate. We are born with the capacity for it but we do have to cultivate and learn what tools work for us as its not a one size fits all.  Your form of conscious bravery may look different to everyone, but its something everyone has to practice.

Pamela is the author of the new book CONSCIOUS BRAVERY Caring for Someone with Addiction or you can find out more about her at https://bebrave.us/about-the-author/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

The positive side of conflict

The word “conflict,” generally conjures up negative associations. It’s seen as hostile, frustrating, negative and uncomfortable with a “win or lose” outcome. Many people fear it, seeing it as something to avoid when in fact it’s a normal and natural part of our lives which, when handled correctly, can be very beneficial.

In the workplace conflict is almost inevitable when people with different goals, opinions, and attitudes work together. Feelings of insecurity, clashes of personality, misunderstandings, breakdowns in communication and competition for limited resources will all emerge in an environment where people care about the outcome. But whatever the reason for it, a sharing of differing viewpoints shows an organisation that has diversity, innovation and risk at its core and a vibrant culture where people are actively interested.

Unresolved though, conflict can quickly escalate and lead to the disintegration of relationships and teamwork, the removal of goodwill and the loss of areas of common ground or agreement. There is also a detrimental financial effect with increased costs in employee turnover, time wastage, increased absenteeism and health or stress-related claims.

Conflict needs to be resolved but it needs to be dealt with so the passion people feel about their work is harnessed and the work environment remains vibrant and healthy. Management fear and a lack of skills in this area means many managers are more focused on avoiding conflict rather than the benefits it can bring. The key to unlock this is to empower managers to see conflict as a core part of a vibrant culture and give them the skills and support needed to recognise and address potential conflict and then to positively manage it.

Handled correctly in the right setting, conflict can be very beneficial and produce new and creative solutions, improved teamwork and a better understanding of the situation and the people involved. There are definitely positive outcomes from conflict - it’s just a case of learning to manage it and harness its potential.

The Role of Psychological Safety

Stephan Wiedner is a psychological safety expert whose career has focused on developing sustainable high performance leaders, teams, and organisations.

Stephen’s interest in psychological safety spans twenty years and is based around his interest in psychology, technology and how to bring them together to help people live fulfilling lives and make teams and organisations more sustainable and effective over time.

Psychological safety is also important in schools as well. They are workplaces and places where its important for people to speak up because you want different opinions to be shared and debate and discussion to expand learning and knowledge. Reportedly there is currently an agenda to close down free speech and remove the ability to debate and disagree to protect us from ourselves. People often don’t realise that psychological safety isn’t about not talking about things - it’s about being safe to talk in a way that is acceptable to everybody.

The definition of psychological safety used by Stephen is from Amy Edmondson – ‘that psychological safety is a belief that you can share ideas concerns, mistakes etc within the work environment without the fear of reprimand’. That gives a subtle distinction that is critical and informed because its happening all the time. We’re constantly trying to manage our reputations and will refrain from speaking up because we don't want to look as if we’re going against the grain or by asking a question that we fear will make us look ‘stupid’. We are constantly protecting ourselves by withholding information.

There is a difference between explicit criticism and an inferred or implied reprimand. This is one of the challenges because we need resilient people and organisations who are able to have adult conversations where conflict creates the diversity you need to get innovation and energy flowing. Sometimes the organisation takes the rap for having people who aren’t resilient enough to have these types of conversations.

When we think about these challenging conversations our desire is to move towards politeness. Where there is a rupture within a team or where people don't necessarily agree, there is often a tension to get to a place where it is a little less uncomfortable, where it’s ‘nice’. We need to move not to ‘nice’ but to a place where we can generate fresh and new ideas, where we can have discussions that move the organisation, the team or a group of individuals to a new place, a new solution or a new way of doing things. This is what psychological safety is facilitating. It’s learning within a group environment - that is how we overcome any change in the world

The research Stephen is involved in shows that psychological safety is built on respect. The area he is focusing on is that of interpersonal skills - what are the specific interpersonal that lead to psychological safety within a team. Respect is very high on the list as is empathy and the desire or willingness to put yourself in someone else's shoes.  To start to consider how other people are looking at the world needs a certain level of curiosity and from a leader or manager and is also a demonstration of respect.

Respect is perhaps something we have forgotten how to do. There is a focus on self-care, self-respect, self-organisation and self-awareness and the Mecentric culture means we have forgotten how to collaborate well. The constant push for connection online is a completely different form of communication to that in the past and the immediate and long-term impact isn’t really known. A lot virtual relationships seem to be rather tenuous and seemingly not built on a sold foundation of respect or care but on transaction through the sharing a mutual dopamine hit so are they that meaningful?

Psychological safety is a very powerful thing but people can mistake it. It isn’t about agreeing. There is a need to foster psychological safety by getting peoples opinions and sharing what’s going on but leaders and managers some leaders seem to think that by asking you need to agree. What psychological safety is about is having the courage to speak up and the confidence that you know you’ll be heard. It's the job of the leader to give the confidence that they will be heard and listen to their input but it's the leader that still needs to make the decisions.

In high performance teams there is pressure and it doesn't always feel rosy and can be uncomfortable especially when people provide competing ideas. It’s fast moving, rigorous and challenging, an environment for growth, development and expansion on what exists. It’s all about an adult culture - treating people as adults and expecting to be treated as an adult. People can say what needs to be said because no-one is treating you like a child, patronising or over-parenting you. It’s about establishing an adult contract between people.

Stephen feels that in order to really be able to speak up you need to have the courage to have that conversation – to be disagreeable or to give critical feedback and have what it takes to get the words out. It might feel challenging but if you flip the script it’s not about being disagreeable, its about being respectful. You provide the opportunity to improve, to hear the feedback and action it.  Some leaders feel they are babysitting people at work, they feel it’s their job but don't realise the correlation between the way their team performs and their actions.

Stephen’s research project is looking at the interpersonal skills of leaders and psychological safety - that leaders who naturally possess these interpersonal skills will foster psychological safety and an environment where people can be more adult-like and contribute and communicate in a way that moves the organisation forward. He calls this Management Faciliative Interpersonal Skills. The starting point is to assess leaders and managers interpersonal skills then, through training and development, these skills can be improved.  Because these skills can be identified they can be made more tangible. Interpersonal skills are often described as soft skills but because they can be identified they can be assessed and then improved and measured through deliberate practice.

You can find out more about Stephen at zarango  A free psychological safety assessment for a team at zarango/freepsi

Stephens research study is about measuring the psychological safety of a team and the interpersonal skills of the leader of that team. If you are interested in volunteering to participate in the study please go to the Zarango contact page.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.
Find out more about our innovative Resilience and Burnout solutions.

Intimidating? Me?

Nobody likes working in an intimidating work environment. The problem is some people don’t know the effect they have on people. They think they operate in a collaborative culture and value input from their staff but the office goes quiet when they walk in, people won’t look them in the eye and are nervous when asked to complete a task!

Intended or not, intimidation implies a threat and some people just aren’t able to regulate their responses to others. They lack ‘Emotional Intelligence’. Their mood or emotional state makes them seem threatening and they use phrases and body language that are ‘too powerful’. That said, most people don’t deliberately try to intimidate their co-workers - it's obviously much better to motivate and inspire your team rather than intimidate them into action.

Whilst the intimidation could be created by something you can’t actually control, such as being taller and towering over other people, it is possible to change some of your actions to help foster an open environment where employees feel able to express themselves. 

• Look for what people do well and congratulate them

• Focus your attention solely on the person you’re talking to

• Be an active listener

• Ask how you can help

• Use open body language

• Maintain good eye contact and smile

• Admit to mistakes you make

• Try to be more relaxed

• Be a continuous, lifelong learner

• Ask for constructive feedback

Very few leaders set out to be intimidating. Most have a real desire to get along with their employees and build relationships based on mutual trust and respect but no one is immune to intimidating staff.

By better understanding how to moderate unspoken gestures and spoken reactions, being real with other people, setting aside the quest to win or be perfect, and being as compassionate to those around you as you would be to yourself means you’ll be better equipped to avoid being seen as intimidating.