Move from shame and blame. The benefits of collaborative divorce.

Nanci A Smith has been a divorce lawyer for thirty years and is currently based in Vermont, North East USA. She is an advocate for collaborative divorce, a new model and mindset, which will allow a couple to emerge healthy and wholehearted from the divorce process rather than bitter and resentful. Her aim is to change the paradigm for divorce away from the blame and shame adversarial process to one that's more consistent with people’s core values of integrity, individual respect, transparency and compassion.

She feels that when it comes to the divorce table, lawyers are trained in the adversarial system. They get the basics of the story, the clients are wounded, frightened upset, scared and are maybe even feeling betrayed. There are lots of intense emotions going on and lawyers are not trained to handle these emotions so they say ‘you go get a therapist, I’ll do the legal stuff and then we’ll go off to the courthouse. There is no chance for healing or personal growth. Nanci feels the gift of a divorce is the opportunity to transform and grow through it.

In the UK we are used to the process of mediation. Its an out of court dispute resolution process where you have one neutral person listening to both sides and trying to come to some sort of compromise that both sides can live with. It's a real opportunity for people who are on an equal bargaining footing and who understand the psychological and financial issues and are both ready to get divorced.

Collaborative divorce is like ‘mediation on steroids’. It offers the couple more support with two lawyers trained in the process, a mental health coach and financial neutral so it’s an inter-disciplinary team. It provides a safe place to have the really difficult conversations that need to be had at a time when they are feeling their worst and we are expecting them to show and be their best.

Many people have the idea that a marriage is just a thing that happens to a person and don't consider the parties that are involved - the relationship, children and the different roles that can change over time. Dr Thackeray feels that no marriage should last more than ten years without a reprogramming or reengineering because we get so comfortable and familiar and becomes so easy to stay together. It’s almost as if we need something to happen to make us look at the relationship maybe when we get married we should be thinking how do we ensure we want to stay together? What you want when you’re twenty or thirty is not necessarily what you want when you’re forty-five, or fifty or sixty. Maybe there is a case for us we to review   our relationships every ten years?

People step out of marriage for different reasons but in Nanci’s experience it’s usually because communication has broken down or people are just not being honest. They don’t feel secure enough to say what they mean and mean what they say. The failure of communication leads to a lack of accountability and people get entrenched into positions of misery and want to blame and point the finger at others. They are just not feeling satisfied but they don't have the emotional training to engage in difficult conversations about important things like Am I happy?  Am I satisfied? Am I feeling constricted about money? Am I not feeling fulfilled in my work? If you don't have the capacity for that or take the time to dig deep during a marriage you’re likely to end up at the divorce lawyers. There is a choices – do it yourself, go to mediation or through a collaborative process or go to court and make a public display of all your trauma.

People who are drawn to collaborative divorce process tend to be internally driven and motivated to grow. They have the idea that they don't want this to be a nightmare for everyone, they want it to be reasonable, amicable and civil and they don't want to lose their relationships with their partner and in laws. Because there are children to consider they want to have a there is so much grief and loss involved in divorce. If you can look at it through the lens of grief you might be able to have the opportunity in the collaborative model to see that this is the opportunity to ask yourself truly what do I truly want? What do I need? I want to be heard. I want to be able to love again, I want to have a good relationship with my children. I don't want my ex to hate me. I don't want to lose the whole concept of our family

Nanci feels we have to reposition it, reconfigure it and take feedback. If your outward and pointing fingers at your ex for ruining your life then its going to be a long haul through the divorce process, If you view it as an opportunity for a major life transition and don't let layers bully you through an adversarial process you can use it for personal growth and transformational change

Collaborative lawyers are not going to make it worse. They are orientated towards settlement and are not going to ask you to make major decisions about children or major financial issues until both parties are psychologically ready to be divorced. Often one person is ready because they have been thinking about it for some time but it comes as a complete shock to the other person so they are not prepared. With enough support Nanci feels the shocked spouse can come back stronger if you give them time and grieve the losses and realise that this is good thing, an opportunity to move into the next stage of my life confident, secure and feeling good. The process provides the skills to do this and in so doing set an example to your children about handling adversity and building resilience.

Levels of grief can vary but the grief is generally for the relationship rather than for each other. There are so many loses. You lose your best friend, lover, status as a spouse, maybe your home, time with your children, your extended family and of course money but you are also losing the dream. This is one of the hardest loses. Shock and denial are so string then you’re mad and struck by the unfairness of what is happening rather than your role as co creator of the dynamic that has led to this. You are also a co creator in the resolution that is going to work for both of you and your entire family. Many people get so stuck in their anger at being betrayed that it becomes solely the other person’s fault and they don't accept any responsibility for their own role.

Nanci is the author of Untangling Your Marriage: A Guide to Collaborative Divorce (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Oct 11, 2022). You can find out more about her at nancismithlaw.com.

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