Living under the veil of domestic violence

Lara Sabanosh is based in Florida where, having retired from various roles in the government sector, she now has an advocacy role helping other people deal with domestic abuse.

Lara and her husband had been based at Guantanamo Bay in a civilian capacity for four years and had been married for twenty years. On January 9th 2015 they attended a Command function where they had an altercation. Later that evening he went missing and his body was found two days drowned in the Bay. In telling the story of his disappearance, the media portrayed him as a war hero and a wonderful husband and father but this did not tell the full story of their relationship. Lara was told not to say anything to the media and to keep quiet.

The evening her husband went missing he had assaulted her three times verbally and physically. Once his disappearance was reported a female agent was assigned to the case. Lara was trying to help her in finding out what had happened to her husband but the first thing the agent said was ‘why did you stay with him?’ Although she was trying to help she was being made to feel as if she was the bad person because she stayed with him. It was not a helped by the fact that the people who were questioning her were the same people he socialised with. Nobody was listening and the reports she had made against him were ignored.

People often ask why to people stay with the abusers. Lara feels that she became a military wife at a very young age. She was nineteen years old when she met her husband and was a college student with big plans for the future. She came from a close-knit family unit with no background in violence but she now realises that the stronger the ties became the more she lost herself. At the start of the relationship it was not abusive but again she now realises that there were some red flags before they got married. They had only dated for a short time, under a year, before they got married. They didn't live in same area and he would come and visit at weekends which didn't worry her at the time but she now knows he was breaking military law to come and see her. He had drug and alcohol issues and was driving on a suspended licence. There were incidents that happened which she now feels should have given her an indication about how he handled situations and that he was lying to her. After they got married these things became her problem.

Lara feels that domestic violence is not a new issue in the military, nor is it a small issue. When senior leadership fails to address these issues it becomes a foundational problem. There is a well established saying that ‘if the military wanted you to have a wife they would issue you with one’ and many senior leaders believe what happens in the house stays in the house.

Lara spent twenty years trying to figure out who she was and who he wanted her to be. She started to believe the things her husband was telling her and it didn’t matter what anyone else told her. She did something. She was the cause. She apologised for the reasons he was angry. She didn’t believe there was anyone else out there. There was nothing else left inside and she went through the motions to try to stop and slow down what continued to happen. In some ways she wished his abuse was more physical that verbal. It was so crushing and relentless.

Lara’s book Caged is a window into her life. As with nearly all trauma, there is a measure of healing to be gained in the sharing of her story, not just for herself and her family, but also for others who, like her who have lived under the veil of domestic violence for years. She offers a call to action for reform, encourages others to seek out help, and urges those in positions of authority to assess existing procedures and question certain long-standing policies.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information here. Our upcoming guest list is also available along with our previous blogs.

You can find out more about Lara and her book Caged at www.LaraSabanosh.com